I Start Beefs With Entire World of Hip Hop
I don’t rap anymore, due to the extremely poor reviews that my crew’s first album received. Perhaps the most concise summation of them can be found here. But ideas still come to me from time to time of how I could start my rap career anew, build hype, and get back in ‘the game’. So without further ado, here are my 3 specifically tailored outlines of diss tracks for fellow rappers.
1) Rapper: Cage
Cage has been in the game for a long time as far as rappers go. After his successful 12” “Agent Orange” came out, he was a pretty hyped figure in the underground, eventually signing to Rawkus Records. He mostly raps about his awful childhood where his father, Bill Murray, would shoot heroin flagrantly in front of him and sometimes even make him hold the tourniquet. After being removed from his father’s care, his step-father also ended up being abusive. Most of Cage’s raps detail these abuses or talk about Cage’s own issues with drugs or his brief stint in a mental institution.
Diss-Track:“Cage’s Father Showed Me Paternal Love”
This would be the perfect diss track; just a long detailed pastoral description of Cage’s father buying me ice cream then taking me out to a water park. There would also be a couple anecdotes about him bringing me home comics when I had a fever.
Sample Verse:“We go to Dairy Queen/Ice Cream to the extreme/Cage’s dad is so cool/He likes me more than you”
2) Rapper:Big Pun
Big Pun was a rising star in the world of rap in 1999. The whale sized rapper’s debut was #5 on the US charts. However, this couldn’t last forever-the 298 pound MC who according to his grandmother would punch holes in walls and then eat the broken drywall, suffered a fatal heart attack in 2000 soon before the release of his 2nd album.
Yum.
Diss-Track:“120/80″
This one would be really easy-just a lot of fat jokes and gloating about my lack of hypertension/appetite for drywall. And not being dead and all that.
Sample verse:“Big Pun is a big fat fattie/He went golfing but he broke the caddie/Should’ve grabbed a salad every now and then/He was on top his girl was never seen again/He had way fewer rhymes than he had chins/I’m not dead so ha! I win”
3)Rapper:Kanye West
Everyone knows Kanye West, a great producer and “special” rapper. While I’m not going to deny the man’s success, we’re all doing him a massive disservice by letting him think he can rap. The man has dropped some of the biggest bombs since Vanilla Ice dropped “Ninja Rap”. “If the devil wear prada/Adam Eve wear nada/I’m in the middle but way more fresha”. Was there any editing process whatsoever there? Also, West’s focus is as broad as that of a teenage girl from Long Island. Every rap is just a flurry of fashion designer names or a complaint that someone thinks he’s too vain and this offends him. West is also vehemently anti-literate, if you didn’t already get that from the couplet above. A quote from West: “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.” Add to that that he constantly claims to be the greatest rapper living basically, like on his guest spot on “Kinda Like a Big Deal”: “I’m kinda like the next Marshall meets Jay.” Yeah…about that…
Diss Track: “Kanye West, Stop Being Such A Fucking Whiny Little Girl”
This one would write itself practically. Just list the things that make Kanye West’s raps like an episode of Gossip Girl centered around a 31 year old black man whose greatest hardship was liking God when that wasn’t cool on the radio(he apparently didn’t get the country station.
Sample Verse:“Seriously…dude…it was funny at first, but you’ve got to stop being such a whiny ignorant little girl.” (Rhyming this would be overkill.)