Procrast-Nation

This is a new feature I’m starting up on a blog. We have either come up with or heard someone else spout out hypothetical scenarios about who would win in a fight. I’ve decided to actually give some thought to these hypothetical scenarios and try to figure out who really would win these fictitious battles. While it is impossible to know for certain, I will try to approach a limit of 99.9% certainty. Each “Volume” will contain four hypothetical battles and hopefully images. I will determine the winner of each battle and explain why. I will also keep track of all the statistics of each battle and later, after many of these battles have occurred, have the winners return to battle other veterans and hopefully determine who the ultimate warrior is. If you have any battle suggestions, please comment!

Battle #1: Who would win in a fight, The Incredible Hulk or The Thing?

This battle was first described in popular media during the movie Mallrats as a way to demonstrate how geeky the comic obsessed character Brodie was because he actually contemplated the hypothetical battle. This really captures the nature of the “Who Would Win in a Fight,” x or y question and I therefore figured it would be a good place to start.

First off, let us take a look at the The Hulk. Whenever the gamma irradiated scientist gets angry, he turns into a giant muscular green monster of prodigious size and power. His strength seems to be determined by his level of anger. Therefore, in a fight, if he ever began to lose, this would probably cause him to become angrier and therefore stronger. The Thing, on the other hand, always seemed like a less angry and more depressed character who was turned into a humanoid creature made of rock twenty four seven.

As for the battle itself, we are assuming the scientist guy is in Hulk form; otherwise it would be like Gallagher versus a watermelon. The Hulk has smashed through concrete walls, crushed tanks, helicopters, and caused supernatural damage. If The Thing was at all brittle, the Hulk could smash him to bits. The Thing must not be brittle however, for while he is made of rock, he is able to move around as a normal human. This means that the he is made of a slightly elastic, fluid rock which would give just enough to make it incredible hard to break. The Hulk is probably stronger, but, he would not be able to harm the thing. I think The Thing would just take a beating until the Hulk ran out of energy. Then he would be able to kill the Hulk. I mean, one person can only hold so much rage before they simply collapse. Therefore, it would be a long battle, but The Thing would win, hands down. The Hulk simply would not be able to get any hits in that would do real damage. He is, however strong he may be, made out of flesh and muscle. Even with supernatural strength, he is still vulnerable to being hit with a rock, but The Thing, on the other hand, is not. It’s like a body builder getting hit with a boulder, except the boulder is elastic enough to be unbreakable.

Victor: The Thing

Defeated: The Hulk

Battle #2: Who would win in a fight, Totally Spies or the Powerpuff Girls?

This battle is a no brainer, but I might as well outline it anyway. The Powerpuff girls are a trio of kindergarten girls who can fly incredibly fast, sometimes at super luminal speeds, have super strength, and may use an array of other abilities including lasers, ice breath, and the creation of tornadoes. The Totally Spies, on the other hand, are three hot teenage spies obsessed with shopping, essentially they are the Clueless version of Charlie’s Angels. Though the Totally Spies have access to a wide array of powerful gadgets, they have no super powers. The Powerpuff girls can lift buildings, and move so fast that they can travel through time. They could dismember the Totally Spies limb for limb and fly each limb to a different part of the earth before you could say “Totally”.

Victor: The Powerpuff Girls

Defeated: Totally Spies

Battle #3: Who would win in a fight, Forrest Gump or Sling Blade?

Battle of the tards! Forrest Gump and Sling Blade are both of diminished mental capacity. Forrest Gump, despite, or perhaps because of his stupidity, managed to accomplish more in a lifetime than any of us could in ten lifetimes. Running across the nation several times, starting up a multi-billion dollar corporation, meeting several presidents, becoming a ping pong champion, a Vietnam War hero, ect. Sling Blade, on the other hand, killed his mother and her lover when he caught them having sex using a Kaiser Blade. He later goes on to kill the little boy he befriend’s step father. Now, Gump has a much more impressive resume’, but the only time he manages to do any real damage to anyone is when he punches out a guy for hitting the love of his life, an aids infested crack whore named Jennie. Even though he was a great soldier, he didn’t have any registered kills. Sling Blade on the other hand, is a silent killer with a proficiency sharpening and using Kaiser Blades. He is also played by Billy Bob Thorton, who is infinitely more badass than Tom Hanks. The battle would essentially go like this. Sling Blade would walk up to Forrest, who is too dumb to realize he is in a fight, and extends hand to Sling Blade saying “Hi, my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.” Sling Blade would reply, “I recon I’m gunn kill you with this here Kaiser blade.” He would then decapitate Forrest, and go back to the mental institution so he can stare at nothing.

Victor: Sling Blade

Defeated: Forrest Gump

Battle #4: Who would win in a fight, Kanye West or Jesus?

Kanye West thinks he is the reincarnation of Jesus, so, a battle is not an unlikely scenario. There is one issue with this fight, Jesus is a pacifist and Kanye West is a pussy. Therefore, a traditional battle probably would not occur. Jesus would win though because Kanye West would die of alcohol poisoning. Here is how: Kanye West proclaims he’s Jesus, and Jesus’ blood is made of wine. Therefore, he’d turn Kanye West’s blood into wine as well. This would not be an attack, simple helping him fulfill his desire to be more like Jesus. One problem, Kanye West has the tolerance of a 3 year old girl. If Jesus turned the blood of Keith Richards into wine, he’d actually be more sober. Kanye even admits to his ridiculously low tolerance in the song “Stronger” when he says, “I’m trippin’ this drink got me sayin’ a lot” Notice that he is tripping from a single drink, not multiple drinks. One drink and he goes on a shitty rant about how God has preordained his relationship with some ho in a club. With that kind of tolerance, blood of wine would flat out kill him. So Jesus would be unphased while Kanye would have a seizure and die.

Victor: Jesus

Defeated: Kanye West

Tags: battle, Forrest Gump, hulk, jesus, kanye, powerpuff, sling blade, thing, totally spies, tournament, who would win in a fight

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 2:46 pm and is filed under Site Projects. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.