Procrast-Nation

I always get these ideas for crossovers for certain fictional stories and ideas into other mediums, and frequently the results are quite awful when you actually try and accurately envision it, but awful in a funny way. I figured why not write some of these out. My first idea for this feature: Blue Velvet the Video Game.

For those of you who have not seen David Lynch’s bizarre and disturbing masterpiece Blue Velvet, the humor of this idea will most likely be lost on you. For those who have seen the film, I give you my plan for how the game would work.

The console or system I most see this game on would be the Sega Genesis. Graphics were still crappy during the peak of the Genesis, but decent enough that you could sort of make out what the system was trying to depict. Pixilated and poorly rendered impressions of characters from the movie would echo the quality of the game itself. It would come in a blue cartridge, obviously, and the limited special edition called “Blue Velvet: Frank Edition” would actually come with a small piece of blue velvet with actual lipstick rubbed off on it from Dennis Hopper’s lips. There could also be a computer version with both the regular and the Frank Edition, though it would have to be on a stack of floppy disks to give off the desired retro-charm. Considered the Sega Genesis wasn’t out until a couple of years after the release of Blue Velvet in 1986, I see a good release date as 1990, a great way to bring in the nineties.

Now, as for gameplay itself, I see after the loader screens an image of the lounge singer in a blue dress with a synthesized and very poor quality version of the song “She Wore Blue Velvet” playing in the background, sort of like the version of Smooth Criminal played during Michael Jackon’s Moonwalker the game for the Genesis as well. You press start and then it gives you the option to pick the protagonist of the film Jeffrey or the antagonist Frank. A depiction of each of their faces would be accompanied by the options, Jeffrey having a deep royal blue background and Frank having a hellish red color to represent his fury and range. At this point it splits off into two separate games essentially. I will now outline them.

The Jeffery Game:

You start out playing a point and click where you must go around the town collecting items such as the human ear and play detective in order to discover the dark criminal underworld of the seemingly serene suburban town. Once the appropriate clues have been found, you go to the club to watch the lounge singer Dorothy and follow her back to the apartment. There is then a crappy cut scene featuring images of Frank raping Dorothy in a bizarre way with text at the bottom to narrate the vague and indistinguishable images. After this, the game turns into an overhead action game where Jeff must avoid Frank and his lackeys. This goes through several levels in different areas until the final confrontation with Frank when Dorothy’s late husband is discovered along with the lobotomized man in the apartment. It then switches to first person shooter mode. Frank must be shot before he shoots you or you die, but he cannot be harmed until the boom box in the background playing a crude techno version of Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams” is destroyed (taking several shots). The music essentially renders Frank Invulnerable. There is a man singing the song in the background but he is actually lip-syncing so destroying him has no effect. There is then a brief epilogue.

The Frank Game:

This game strays a bit from the original plot, but it is implied. The entire Frank Version is from a first person shooter perspective. Frank uses punches and kisses as his general attack, but can get guns that allow him to have a few powerful shots. The first few missions involve doing drug deals and other criminal acts involving sexual deviants in which he battles rival gangsters and the police. Frank also has a “Candy Colored Clown” meter, that if depleted, causes him to go catatonic. The meter can be refilled when Ben is periodically encountered performing In Dreams, or any boom box or radio can be used to play the song. Frank also has a health meter, but the higher his Candy Colored Clown meter, the less damage he takes from enemy attacks. At the expense of some of the Candy Colored Clown meter, Frank can put on lipstick and then voraciously make out with a nearby opponent, traumatizing and paralyzing nearby attackers and killing the one he has molested. After the first few levels, a cut scene occurs where Jeffery sees Frank violently raping Dorothy. Frank then must chase him through an ally like maze and catch him before he escapes and tells the police. Once caught, you have the option of raping him to death or shooting him. The climax occurs when the police finally catch on to Franks antics and send a posse to round him up. You must kill all of the officers and then the final boss battle occurs with the police chief, where the primary threat of the battle is his megaphone which block’s out In Dreams which is playing in the background and rendering Frank vulnerable to police fire. The victory image shows Frank dragging Dorothy into a darkened room with the corpses of his adversaries littering the surroundings.

Here is a rough depiction of what the Frank version may resemble.

On second thought, take back what I said in the beginning. This is a great idea, and I think someone should make this game.

Also, as an after thought, I came up with a few more features for the game.  For Frank to regain health, he can either find and drink cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon or find and inhale from an oxygen tank.  Both replenish his health, but only hearing in Dreams will replenish his Candy Clown meter.  Jeffrey on the other hand, can heal from drinking Heiniken, though ever time he drinks it the sound clip “Heiniken!  Fuck that shit.  PABST BLUE RIBBON” plays.

Tags: blue, candy clown, candy colored clown, crossover, dennis hopper, ear, first person shooter, fps, frank, game, genesis, heiniken, human ear, jeffrey, mystery, pabst blue ribbon, roy orbison, sega, velvet

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 15th, 2009 at 10:32 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.