Procrast-Nation

Zooey Deschanel 

 This Chick shows up out of nowhere, right in the middle of my high school pubescence, and stole my heart.  (caused me to get uncontrollable boners in science class)  Look at those Fucking eyes!  It’s like a sexy hypnotoad.

“fuck me”

Natalie Portman

Seriously, the only chick in the world that could pull off bald.  That’s assuming i’m being real with myself when I say i’d never bang Sinead O’Connor.

Elisha Cuthbert

 I so got to watch this chick grow up.  (Popular Mechanics For Kids (1997-2001)  most people didn’t watch it)  It’s like watching your best friends sister blossom, which means I totally get first dibs.  What the hell went wrong? 

Hermione Granger

 Though Emma Watson is quite attractive, it just wouldn’t compare to the real thing.  Serioulsy, how many amazing sex spells must there be?!

 Shia Labeouf

I would totally go gay for Shia.  Seriously, he’s the fucking James Dean of the 2000’s.  Fuck the Jonas twats, fuck Johny-butt-pirate-Depp, this is who tweens should be “discovering” themselves to.

Just my short list.

-Fellatio Jones-Lepine

1980’s Urban Cowboy was on tonight on CMT, and as a service to regular readers of the blog, I’d like to spare you the full experience by giving a smaller weakened version of it (a vaccine if you will.) I missed the first 30 minutes or so, but here’s the best plot summary I can scrounge up:

John Travolta is a construction worker who goes to a honky tonk bar at night and rides a mechanical bull. He also does a really awkward two step while looking angry. Travolta does it more like a duck waddle; he kind of struts without any reference to the tempo of the music playing or the movements of his partner. He’s channeling his inner-Travolta thing. The results are frightening.
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This man.

The only thing that has kept me sane during family events.

Yet again advertising creates bizarre relationships between things that shouldn’t have any. This week’s finds after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Thoughts on Fido, The Bed You Sleep In, and Platinum Blonde after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

I review Trust, Minnie and Moskowitz, and River’s Edge.
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Every Sunday my local newspaper, already a trivial and antiquated publication, adds a variety of inserts for reasons which elude me. Are they supposed to add ‘value’? Do people find them useful?  Is it like when a relatively unattractive person surrounds themselves with grotesque human oddities so they seem better in comparison? In any case, the magazine inserts are usually printed on a thicker plastic coated magazine stock that doesn’t burn especially well, leaving them with no practical use.

The worst of these inserts is the USA Today style Parade. Maddeningly vague and sensationalistic language is used to hide the fact no actual information is being communicated. Since most of America apparently doesn’t get this, I’ve taken it upon myself to decode an entire issue’s worth of headlines.

Translation: “Daniel Radcliffe is aging.” Read the rest of this entry »

Published by Harvey Comics, September 1991
Written by Dwayne McDuffie and Drawn by Gil Kane

Towards the end of Harvey Comics’ publishing days they made some fairly desperate and flat out wrong headed publishing decisions, and this proto-Pokemon project could very easily be considered the final nail in their coffin.

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