I would do things to her you wouldn’t do to a farm animal.

July 3rd, 2009 by Fellatio Jones

Zooey Deschanelzooeydeschanel3 

 This Chick shows up out of nowhere, right in the middle of my high school pubescence, and stole my heart.  (caused me to get uncontrollable boners in science class)  Look at those Fucking eyes!  It’s like a sexy hypnotoad.

hypnotoad

“fuck me”

 

Natalie PortmanJAPAN NATALIE PORTMAN

Seriously, the only chick in the world that could pull off bald.  That’s assuming i’m being real with myself when I say i’d never bang Sinead O’Connor.

sinead-oconnor-priest-outfit 

 

Elisha Cuthbertelisha_cuthbert

 I so got to watch this chick grow up.  (Popular Mechanics For Kids (1997-2001)  most people didn’t watch it)  It’s like watching your best friends sister blossom, which means I totally get first dibs.  What the hell went wrong? 

 

Hermione Grangerhermione

 Though Emma Watson is quite attractive, it just wouldn’t compare to the real thing.  Serioulsy, how many amazing sex spells must there be?!

 

 Shia Labeoufindiana_jones_4_shia_labeouf

I would totally go gay for Shia.  Seriously, he’s the fucking James Dean of the 2000’s.  Fuck the Jonas twats, fuck Johny-butt-pirate-Depp, this is who tweens should be “discovering” themselves to.

 

Just my short list.

-Fellatio Jones-Lepine

I Explain ‘Urban Cowboy’

July 3rd, 2009 by Scratch Corwood

1980’s Urban Cowboy was on tonight on CMT, and as a service to regular readers of the blog, I’d like to spare you the full experience by giving a smaller weakened version of it (a vaccine if you will.) I missed the first 30 minutes or so, but here’s the best plot summary I can scrounge up:

John Travolta is a construction worker who goes to a honky tonk bar at night and rides a mechanical bull. He also does a really awkward two step while looking angry. Travolta does it more like a duck waddle; he kind of struts without any reference to the tempo of the music playing or the movements of his partner. He’s channeling his inner-Travolta thing. The results are frightening.
Travolta's angry duck waddle. Read the rest of this entry »

What I want to be when I grow up.

July 3rd, 2009 by Donatello

yes-22

This man.

Chain smoking unicorn: the embroidery

July 1st, 2009 by The Goddamn Batman

photo-4871
The only thing that has kept me sane during family events.

Revenge of Confounding Advertising

July 1st, 2009 by Scratch Corwood

Yet again advertising creates bizarre relationships between things that shouldn’t have any. This week’s finds after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

More Movie Reviews 7-1-09

July 1st, 2009 by Scratch Corwood

Thoughts on Fido, The Bed You Sleep In, and Platinum Blonde after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Movie Reviews 7-1-09

July 1st, 2009 by Scratch Corwood

I review Trust, Minnie and Moskowitz, and River’s Edge.
Read the rest of this entry »

I Decode this Week’s ‘Parade’ Magazine for the Less Astute

July 1st, 2009 by Scratch Corwood

Every Sunday my local newspaper, already a trivial and antiquated publication, adds a variety of inserts for reasons which elude me. Are they supposed to add ‘value’? Do people find them useful?  Is it like when a relatively unattractive person surrounds themselves with grotesque human oddities so they seem better in comparison? In any case, the magazine inserts are usually printed on a thicker plastic coated magazine stock that doesn’t burn especially well, leaving them with no practical use.

The worst of these inserts is the USA Today style Parade. Maddeningly vague and sensationalistic language is used to hide the fact no actual information is being communicated. Since most of America apparently doesn’t get this, I’ve taken it upon myself to decode an entire issue’s worth of headlines.
lastscan3
Translation: “Daniel Radcliffe is aging.” Read the rest of this entry »

Crap Comics: Monster in My Pocket #3

June 26th, 2009 by Scratch Corwood

Published by Harvey Comics, September 1991
Written by Dwayne McDuffie and Drawn by Gil Kane

Towards the end of Harvey Comics’ publishing days they made some fairly desperate and flat out wrong headed publishing decisions, and this proto-Pokemon project could very easily be considered the final nail in their coffin.
mon10001
Read the rest of this entry »


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